tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC September 6, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EDT
♪ from hollywood it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, andy sam beryl. dave salomoni and animals. muse infrom desiigner. and now, prepare yourselves. here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi, everybody. very nice. i'm jimmy, i'm the host. thank you for watching. thank you. i'm overwhelmed. that's very kind. i hope you had a good -- relaxing labor day weekend.
i have to say it's always kind of sad to me, labor day weekend. summer's over. good-bye fun sandals and flirty tops. hello pictures of kids wearing backpacks on facebook. i don't know. how can summer be over? i haven't had time to figure out what my summer jam is yet and it's gone. guillermo, what was your summer jam? did you have one? >> guillermo: no, what is a summer jam? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: guillermo thinks jam is a sweet potato, it's confusing. i was bummed we had a three-day weekend. did you see donald trump dancing at the goss bell church? donald trump this weekend as part of his new initiative to woo african-american voters visited the great faith ministries church in detroit. he said he was there to listen. i don't know what he was listening to but based on his dancing, it clearly wasn't music. [ laughter ] here it is. this is beautiful. just enjoy. look at him soaking it in.
as uncomfortable as anyone could ever be. he is just trying to go with the flow. but it looks like he's protecting himself from a penalty kick for most of this video. there he is. now he doesn't know what to do with his hands so he just kind of -- oh, clapping. not even attempting to clap with the beat. just clapping. after three weddings you'd think he'd have learned how to dance. i bet if you asked him if he's a good dancer he'd say, yeah, i'm the best, nobody dances like me. it's true, nobody does dance like that. although as white as that was, and it was very white, that i can tell you, it still is only the second-whitest thing a republican candidate for president has ever done by a long shot. number one is still very much this. >> who let the dogs out, who, who?
[ laughter ] >> jimmy: we still don't know who let the dogs out. those were simpler times, they were. so trump was at this church this weekend with omar rossa and dr. ben carson, aka the two black people he knows. watch ben carson by the way. while trump is being carried away by the holy spirit, ben carson is on his phone. tapping away. trying to catch a pokemon or something, i don't know. he explained later he was texting god to let him know what was going on. a lot has been made of what a gift to comedy and comedians donald trump has been but i feel ben carson, if we'd had a chance to get to know him, he might have been number one. >> in order for our country to be great again, every aspect has to be great. including our inner cities. >> and we just saw mr. trump here. i asked him how did it go? he said great, he learned a lot of the things. what do you think he took away? >> oh, my luggage. hold on. >> okay.
looks like dr. carson is going to try and find his luggage and he'll be right back with us. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's how everyone should end every interview. i can watch four hours of ben carson running after his luggage. ben carson run off for luggage channel. meanwhile hillary clinton claims she's really concerned that russian president vladimir putin is trying to interfere with our election. she said, if you find a turtle on a fence post, it didn't get there by itself. dr. phil is here tomorrow, i'm going to ask him what the hell that means. [ laughter ] the race is tightening between trump and clinton. on "good morning america" donald trump weighed in on why he doesn't think hillary clinton looks like a president. >> you've talked about hillary clinton's stamina. you've said she doesn't look presidential. >> i really do believe that. >> what do you mean by that? >> i just don't think she has a presidential look. you need a presidential look. you have to get the job done.
if she went to mechanic coshe'd have a total failure, we had a big success. >> sometimes i think mike pence is just excited to be traveling on a private jet. trump and company keep pushing this idea hillary clinton isn't healthy enough to be president. she spoke to reporters on her plane. instead of her health she chose to focus on the putin issue. >> he doesn't particularly care whether putin and the intelligence services attack american institutions. so -- can i have some water? thank you. thanks. excuse me. i'll be right there. >> jimmy: she seems fine to me, i don't know. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: thanks, obamacare. but they do get the job, this is the kind of stuff that either clinton or trump will have to look forward to. president obama is in laos for the southeast asian summit,
which sounds like fun just to start with. he had to cancel his meeting with the new president of the fill peeps because during a press conference yesterday, president rodrigo duterte has been fighting the drug problem in the philippines by killing everyone on the street, called obama a son of a whore and closed with this. >> we will continue and i will continue. and i don't give a [ bleep ] about anybody observing my behavior. >> jimmy: is it too late for trump to make this guy his running mate? because that would be quite a ticket. [ laughter ] [ applause ] they canceled the meeting, then president due tearty tried to reel it in, he said he regrets that calling our president the son of a whore "came across as a personal attack." you see in the philippines, son of a whore is a term of respect. welcome, you son of a whore, then you're supposed to say, thank you, you foul-smelling bucket of dog penis. so local customs can be tricky
to navigate. i tell you what, we think our politicians are colorful, it is not so different anywhere else in the world. this is what the deputy president of south africa personally brought before parliament. >> the other that had been introduced by government did not smell so well. it made a noise whenever it was used. now through scientific development, we were able to develop a new condom which is called max. the max is for maximum pleasure. maximum protection. and it does not make noise at all. [ laughter ] and it comes in different flavors. >> jimmy: oh, how nice! wow. [ cheers and applause ] can you imagine joe biden making that speech? unfortunately the two flavors are lentil and antelope. [ laughter ]
by the way, the sign language interpreter really had to dig deep for that one. speaking of condoms, earlier on abc we had the season finale of "bachelor in paradise." it was a two-night finale. last night they got tested for stds. tonight was the results show. they did make some love connection on this the show, three wedding engagements. three people got engaged on the show. and one of them, a guy named grant, who's on "the bachelorette," and lace, who your is the fruit loop from "the bachelor," came up with their couples name, grace, a combination of grant and grace. then they got "grace" tattooed on their bodies which was really their second-biggest mistake just after getting engaged on the show "bachelor in paradise." to me paradise would have less axe body spray. this is an interesting development for older americans. a lot of senior citizens, not all, but a lot have trouble with smartphones and apps. uber and lyft, the ride share
services, are launching programs specifically targeting older customers. they came up with a way to use their service without having to use an app. it's called a telephone. it's an exciting new development. [ laughter ] but finally a car service that targets older drivers instead of their cars targeting us. that's an exciting thing. google is now getting into this transportation business too. they have to be involved in everything. and so they're currently testing out a new service that would directly compete with uber. apparently google engineers got concerned there was a time of the day when they couldn't see what everyone is doing, which is while we're in our cars. this should help to close that gap. google versus uber, although they could form a mega company called goober like grace and lace and get a tattoo. google is using detailed analytics to give customers what they're calling the ultimate in rideshare convenience. >> hey, dave. >> yes?
>> i'm the google driver, let's go. you don't want to be late for kickboxing. >> i didn't order a car. >> you don't have to. come on. our powerful analytics lets us know exactly when you need a ride, no waiting. >> how do you know i have kickboxing? >> at google we know everything about you. pineapple coconut water? >> yeah, thanks. love this stuff. >> we not only know where you are and where you're going, we know where you should be going. for instance, we're not going to kickboxing. >> we're not? >> uh-uh. google fitness has determined a more balanced workout, resistance training and dynamic stretching is more preferable to someone with your mild to moderate level of obesity. >> thanks, i guess. >> we canceled your reservation at outback. blooming onion is the last thing you need. >> my girlfriend loves it. >> it's just okay, she just dumped you, check your g-mail. i'll see you in one hour. >> oh my god!
>> remember, stretching, not kicking. stretching. >> google driver. we're all up in your [ bleep ]. >> i forgot, you have civil lis. civil lulls. it's part of google health. >> thank you. >> you bet. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we need to take a break. when we come back from the break, we asked pedestrians to attempt to decipher the lyrics to the song "panda" by desiigner who's our guest. that's dave salmoni with a leopard? i don't know animals that well. the great dave salomoni too, we'll be right back! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ (humming) ♪ so you're up at dawn, ♪ k, , look alive. ♪ you've been saving for a big man-cave. ♪
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back to the show. andy samberg and music from desiigner is on the way. first, dave salmoni is backst e backstage, he rents animals from a rental house. tonight dave's going to show us a golden eagle, a panther chameleon, a buffalo, i think a teen wolf, and -- [ laughter ] dave is backstage right now with what we saw just before the break. [ cheers and applause ] what is this animal's name? >> this is tucker. he's a red kangaroo. >> jimmy: is that a captain kangaroo or a regular one? >> i'm not sure he's a captain, i don't think he's been on a boat yet. >> jimmy: is that a special leash designed for kangaroos? >> specifically for this one, yes. >> jimmy: dave smuggled tucker from australia in his luggage, this is a coup. dave, we'll see you soon. i'd like for once if you could come out not bleeding. that would be -- >> i can't make that promise. >> jimmy: that would resure me
that everything's okay. doesn't look like that's going to happen. dave salmoni. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it's always exciting doing the show. it's especially exciting on a night when we have animals here. they're animals, anything could happen, one of us could get killed. we could all get killed for all we know. so this is yes get nervous when there are wild pets around. this is from a local cbs news in boston who i'd like to thank in advance for providing us with this evening's special alligator edition of "excellence in reporting." >> come a little closer. >> do they know -- >> hold him tight, hold him tight, tight! >> i am, i am! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that will be me later tonight as the animals come out.
also tonight music from a rapper named desiigner who -- [ cheers and applause ] not only is he a rising star in the world of hip-hop, his big hit song "panda" is insanely popular with kids. kids love this song. i had three parents ask if they could bring their children to the show tonight. i guess it's because the song's called "panda." but the song really isn't about pandas. [ laughter ] right? does your son benji like panda? >> guillermo: no. >> jimmy: he doesn't? you're a lot of help tonight. let's try that again. does your son benji like the song "panda"? >> guillermo: oh, yeah, he love it. >> jimmy: thank you. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: you know. we'll send you to an improv class. >> guillermo: sure, whatever. >> jimmy: anyway, the words of the song go by so fast it's almost impossible to understand. in order to educate parents who might be listening to this with their kids, we went on the street this afternoon, we played
the song for pedestrians, we asked them to interpret the lyrics for us. and here's how that went. ♪ panda panda panda panda those. >> are you ready? >> yes. i'm always ready. ♪ panda panda panda panda ♪ i got broads in atlanta . >> uh -- rounding c. ♪ i got broads in atlanta >> i got broads in the morning? >> simbo. making a modular run. >> what? >> making a modular run? >> peggy school. chipper. >> macy. high school. slip off. >> yeah, i can't say that. >> what was he saying? >> [ bleep ]. sorry.
>> what was that? >> rrr! >> if you had to summarize the song, what's it about? >> hip-hop. >> oh! this guy works in the bank, right? scan the credit cards? something like this, right? >> panda, i got broads in atlanta. i got broads in atlanta! no, i got a broad in gardena, her name's mercedes. >> nice. say hi to mercedes. >> what's up, baby girl? ♪ panda panda >> jimmy: that cleared it up. music from desiigner, dave salmoni, wild animals are here, and be right back with andy samberg! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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or us. and i'm going to make sure it's us. from 500 million solar panels installed by the end of my first term, to precision manufacturing. we'll beat the competition and create new high wage jobs. we can do this, millions of jobs right here in america. that's my plan. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, there. welcome back to the show. tonight, the host of the new show "pet nation renovation" on animal planet, dave salmoni is here. dave brought a whole ark-worth of animals, including a
kangaroo, a golden eagle, a panther chameleon and a 2,000-pound buffalo. which is going to eat all the other animals at the end of the segment. then, from brooklyn, new york, the man who gave us "panda," the song, not the animal. his latest is called "tiimmy turner", desiigner from the samsung outdoor stage. [ cheers and applause ] there's a lot going on. tomorrow night our guests are dr. phil, pamela adlon, bastille. and later this week tom hanks, eddie murphy, lizzy kaplan, music from schoolboy q with e-40 so please join us all this week. [ cheers and applause ] our first guest is an emmy and golden globe-winning entertainer with a funny show on fox "brooklyn 99," it returns on the 20th of september, please welcome andy samberg! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
>> jimmy: you know, it owe counters to me -- >> my luggage! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: how good is he? i mean, really. >> we were saying like he could just get out of my question with that. what do you really think about what's going on? my luggage! >> jimmy: imagine that occurring to him while he's doing brain surgery. the man is a brain surgeon. >> i know, it's so crazy. >> jimmy: it really makes you uncomfortable with just about everything. >> it makes me not want to get brain surgery even more. >> jimmy: i realize as you walk out here that you have cultivated now officially a look. you have a look. >> i do? >> jimmy: people could dress as you for halloween, yeah. >> like a sweater and a shirt? >> jimmy: sweater, collared shirt. like what your nephew would wear to a funeral. >> he doesn't have a suit. >> jimmy: doesn't have a jacket, yeah. but that's a big deal. i think eddie murphy had a look.
woody allen certainly. then you. you've got a look. >> i like it. i'll take it. >> jimmy: you have no choice, you're it. >> this is it. i'm like diane keaton. >> jimmy: yeah, you are. [ laughter ] you're like andi hall. >> i'm andi hall. this is the andi hall look. >> jimmy: do you like animals? we have a lunch of them backstage you probably smelled and noticed. >> yes. mixed on animals. >> jimmy: that's how i feel about them. >> the ones i like, i like. the ones i don't like, i do not like. >> jimmy: we were talking about this, somebody mentioned you hosted "shark week." >> i did, a few years back. >> jimmy: which is to me a terrifying proposition. >> yeah. i think -- there's like a span of ten years where i said yes to everything. >> jimmy: oh, really, okay. [ laughter ] >> but that one? they asked and for some reason i was like, definitely that. they were like, we'll fly you to bahamas, you come down here,
we'll shoot bumpers, which is the things they cut in between the shows. i was like, sure, great, let's do it. i got there. they're like, great, so we're going to have you do the bumpers in the water. with sharks all around you. >> jimmy: you didn't know that beforehand? >> they might have mentioned it? i can't remember now. better for the story if i didn't know. >> jimmy: sure, right. >> i didn't know! >> jimmy: oh, wow. >> they pulled the wool right over my eyes! like so many sweaters i wear. [ laughter ] so i get there. they like put chain mail on you. like over your wet suit. they're like, this will protect you from the sharks. it's totally fine. i'm like, really? it's safe? totally safe. jump in the water. i start reading the cue cards they have sit up. they're like, we'll have you do it awhile then chum the water and have the sharks come. i was like, okay, great. i do it for like five minutes. i'm like, okay, i think those are good, should we chum the
water? and everyone on the deck is like, uh -- yeah, let's chum the water now. and i look around. and they had been chumming it the whole time. >> jimmy: oh. >> and there were sharks everywhere. it was like 40 reef sharks. >> you're not exaggerating because we dug up the clip. >> oh, yeah. >> jimmy: here it is. >> reef sharks, they're all around us. well, they're all around me. there's another one right there behind me. there's another one right there in front of me. you can't see it but there's one holding the camera. great job, rick! [ applause ] [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that is no good at all. >> sketchy. as you can see, i was goofing it up. and then i finally finished. it got a little sketchy, like one of the sharks banged its nose into my chest. i'm getting out! i got back onto the boat, talking to the guy, i was like, that was scary but i had the
chain mail, that would protect me. he was like, oh, yeah, chain mail. they'll take a bite out of your arm or leg and tear it right off but it will stay in the chain mail, then we can reattach it. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: is that really what the chain mail is? >> i was like, what! the chain mail is a receptacle? they would put me in a big condom? >> jimmy: yeah, really. oh my god. >> i was really -- at that point i was like, all right. there's nothing i can do. i got away with it, fine. but then, this is kind of a bummer. i heard months later that one of the experts that was with us was swimming in that same area and got attacked by reef sharks. it's not a joke. >> jimmy: in the chain mail? >> he lived, it was fine. no, no chain mail. but he got all gnarled up. >> jimmy: oh, no. >> i was like, so cool that i did that! >> jimmy: that's what i don't like about these animal segments is they reassure you everything is fine, and somebody gets
eaten. >> i met your animal guy, he's very hunky, but i'm still scared. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: don't worry, he'll protect us with his smile. >> he will. he's got a brothers mcmullen vibe going on. very ed burns. you guys will see. >> jimmy: i want to mention something. i feel like you did such a great job hosting the emmys last year. >> oh, thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: the negative is, now i have to host them the year after you hosted them. >> oh, you guys. >> which is an unfortunate situation. >> it's better to follow someone who pooches it bad. >> jimmy: it would be much better if you really screwed up, it would have been nice for you to do. >> i had to follow seth and he was great. you've done it before. >> jimmy: i have done it before it every time you get nervous. >> i enjoyed it a lot but i was nervous. you forget how big the theater is. >> jimmy: huge. >> they tell you millions of people are watching at home. then you walk out, it's like
8,000 people and they all work in entertainment gl you know every face is familiar to you from netflix or from your life. >> yes. >> jimmy: kind of weird. >> yeah. >> jimmy: like being at your own funeral in a way. >> i didn't think of it that way. >> jimmy: yeah. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: death has become a major theme of this segment. hopefully they won't look back and say, yeah, they were talking a lot about death before the buffalo killed them. >> right before they died. they were really on message. >> jimmy: i think they knew something! >> they knew! they knew! >> jimmy: they had a sense! what do you remember most about that night, hosting the emmys? >> the party after. >> jimmy: really. >> that was really fun. it's cool. you know. when you host, you throw an after party. which basically means everyone organizes a party and puts your name on the invitation. but it's great because you get a drink sponsor. so sponsored by done julio tequila and everyone's getting ripped. >> jimmy: right. >> and people from the show will come and hang out and the
biggest thing of maybe my whole life was i met mel brooks. >> you never met mel brooks? wow. >> never met him. i love comedy and i have a lot of heroes but he's my all-time number one. >> jimmy: you meet a lot of great people. when you meet mel brooks, it's a special thing. >> you're like, you are the grandfather of everything i like. >> jimmy: what did he say to you? >> it was pretty sweet. he was like, hey, you did a great job on the show tonight. i said, thank you very much. he goes, you really did great, because some of the jokes were great and some of them were [ bleep ]. [ laughter ] but you sold the ones that were [ bleep ] like they were great! [ laughter ] [ applause ] i'm like, thank you, thanks so much. >> jimmy: that's pretty good. >> then everyone laughed. then i sat and talked awhile. people wandered off. then two buddies, john mulaney and nick crowe, eyeballing mel
brooks, came over and said hi. he goes, he was great tonight, wasn't he? some of the jokes he told were great! some of them were [ bleep ]! but he told the [ bleep ] like they were great! [ laughter ] john and nick like died laughing. and i was like, this son of a bitch just doubled down on the joke. it was like the most old pro thing i'd ever seen. yeah, if you've got a winner, hammer it! >> jimmy: you will do that to some young comedian in 60 years. >> god willing. >> will you stay for the animals? because i think it would make me feel more comfortable. [ cheers and applause ] >> yeah. >> jimmy: also, technically, it splits my chances of being attacked in half if there's another person there. >> got to play those odds. >> andy samberg, the season premiere of "brooklyn 99." and he has an animated movie called "storks" coming to theaters very soon. be right back with dave and animals! [ cheers and applause ]
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he's making it up. of course, anyone who commits a violent crime needs to be prosecuted -- and put behind bars. narrator: katie mcginty will keep us safe -- more police on the streets, better training and equipment, and take on the gun lobby for gun safety laws. katie: i'm the daughter of a police officer, and the mother of three. i'll stand with law enforcement to fight crime, and protect our families. i'm katie mcginty, and i approve this message. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back. andy samberg is here from "brooklyn 99." desiigner is on the way.
when i am elected vice president of these united states, we will i promise build a great wall on the canadian border to keep our next guest and his terrifying animals away from me. he is a beast master and host of the new show "pet nation renovation" premiering september 17th on animal planet. please welcome dave salmoni! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: wow, that's dave, andy. the guy i was tell youlg about earlier. >> jimmy, great to see you. >> jimmy: great to see you, how are you? >> fantastic. this is a red kangaroo. >> jimmy: yeah, the same one from earlier. >> the same one. would you like to feed him? >> jimmy: no. >> you would? i would love to give him a treat. >> jimmy: i do have something over here. this is a red vine? >> a red vine. come around. >> jimmy: all right. >> bring one for andy as well. >> jimmy: i don't like the coming around part. andy, a red vine? >> for me? >> jimmy: yeah. >> you guys can share it. show to it him.
his eyes are this side. come on around. >> jimmy: it's the feet that are dangerous, right? >> here, give me that let me show you. here. there you go. hand it to him. nice and close. this is not hard. >> jimmy: it is hard. oh, he is cute. >> very cute. >> while he's here -- >> jimmy: he loves red vines? that's weird. >> give one to andy here. same thing. >> jimmy: i thought you meant feed it to andy. [ laughter ] >> give me some of that yogurt. what i want you to do is squirt this on his paws. >> yeah, andy. [ laughter ] >> what kind of show is this, sir? >> bend over and squirt his paws. he sees it, now he wants it. >> bend over and squirt this on his paws? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: doing it in a sexy way too. >> all right.
>> squirt it there. there you go, that's enough. there you go. now he's having his yogurt, he loves his yogurt. >> jimmy: wow. >> here you go. >> jimmy: do we know this guy? i didn't know if your kangaroo was being stolen. >> here's that. put that somewhere over there. >> jimmy: i'll put it over here. >> here's what i got next. thank you, sir. >> see the nards on that kangar kangaroo? >> have a seat. this is a panther chameleon. >> jimmy: wow, look at that. >> put your hands like that. i'm going to hold -- >> jimmy: these don't bite? >> they do bite. [ laughter ] >> everything with a mouth will bite. you want to rest, put your elbow down. this hand. >> jimmy: see how relaxed i am? >> aah, i feel better. you're doing all the work now.c. chameleons can change color.
you can see when he's excited, see that orange color? that's the color he gets when he's excited. >> jimmy: why is he excited? >> he's calming down, he's getting more green. >> jimmy: he looks like when you commission the artists to paint something, it looks like somebody did this chameleon. why a panther chameleon? >> because he stalks his prey. >> jimmy: what kind of prey? [ laughter ] >> can i put him on your shoulder? >> jimmy: bugs? >> i've got a signature look running i don't want to mess up. >> jimmy: is it possible to own a lizard like this and not an weirdo? >> i don't think so. except for the gentleman who just gave me -- >> jimmy: oh, right. you know this guy? >> he's going to take our chameleon, the guy we just insulted. >> jimmy: okay, yeah, great. i'll see you at the park. >> next, guys. i need this. i'm going to -- >> jimmy: oh, wow. look at that. >> now this --
>> jimmy: so much bigger than i imagined it would be. >> this is a north american golden eagle. >> jimmy: oh, wow. >> i'm going to sit down nice and gentle. >> wait a minute! >> jimmy: that does not -- wow. hi. >> i think the first thing you notice is how big these guys are. >> jimmy: he is big. >> one of the biggest -- >> jimmy: why is he looking at me like that? >> he looks at everybody like that. you're a good guy, how are you? the one thing that i always like to point out, the reason why i'm wearing this glove, they have very, very strong talons. those feet, big hooks. that's when he uses to hunt. he can hunt anything, small beer. >> jimmy: really. >> rabbits. >> jimmy: he just picks the deer and up carries it off? >> absolutely, yes. sometimes he'll just come down, use those feet to kill prey, and sit over it. >> jimmy: why is he yelping in that terrifying way? >> he's making that noise because he's asking for food. >> jimmy: really? >> throw me some food. >> jimmy: why don't we? >> he's got a red vine guy. >> jimmy: he's not. would he eat a hamburger? >> he would.
>> jimmy: that would be the most american thing ever, a golden eagle eating a hamburger. [ laughter ] >> he's a carnivore, would probably like the hamburger better. this guy actually rivals -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: his hair went up. >> yeah, he just told me he'd like to see his dad. >> jimmy: oh, really. what's that? a warning we just got? >> yeah, he puffed his fur up in the back. >> jimmy: let's take a break. when we come back we've got a 2,000-pound animal. no kidding. [ cheers and applause ] dave salmoni is here, andy samberg. we'll be right back! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ this mac doesn't have any of that it's less useful like a hat for your cat surface has touch and a beautiful screen you can see things like they've never been seen this mac doesn't quite compare it's slower, heavy, and a bit square fold it in half, hello when you start lighter than air, you can doodle a heart
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...you can't get enough of? still gonna floor you. it may be called endless... ...but that doesn't mean it'll last. that i was on the icelandic game show. and everyone knows me for discounts, like safe driver and paperless billing. but nobody knows the box behind the discounts. oh, it's like my father always told me -- "put that down. that's expensive." of course i save people an average of nearly $600, but who's gonna save me? [ voice breaking ] and that's when i realized... i'm allergic to wasabi. well, i feel better. it's been five minutes. talk about progress. [ chuckles ] okay.
talk about progress. [ chuckles ] when it comes
to risking social sepat toomey wrote the book. .. "i'm...i've got a whole chapter in my book where i... specifically lay out how i think we should... reform social security." toomey's plan requires wall street and bankers to manage... the accounts. collecting fees out of your social security that could... total billions. fees they collect, even if the market crashes and... seniors lose everything. pat toomey's looking out for wall street, not pennsylvania. dscc is responsible for the content of this advertising. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi there. welcome back. andy samberg and dave salmoni are here. dave is the host of a new show "pet nation renovation." >> we go into needy shelters that are doing good work but are a little run down and we give them a full renovation. >> jimmy: you've combined the home renovation idea with pet shelters. >> absolutely, we're going -- there's a lot of people love
dogs and cats. a lot of them need a lot of help. >> jimmy: do the animals help you renovate? are they working? monkeys with tools? >> they motivate the volunteers. there's hundreds of volunteers that help out. they're usually there just because they're all dog and cat lovers like i am. it's a great show. it's good people doing good things for animals. >> jimmy: very good. it's time for the big animal. >> why don't you walk here with me, a safety thing, you don't bring the big animals. they're big animals, safe as i can. the one thing you don't want to do is walk behind this guy. look how amazing. >> wow. >> this is pretty amazing. jack our 2,000-pound bison, or buffalo. >> i thought it would be bigger. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: so bison and buffalo are interchangeable terms? >> yes. in this case they are. it's not a true buffalo. it's a bison. but very often we just call them buffalo. what i want you to start with, this is the biggest animal i've brought to you, pet it.
feel that fur. >> jimmy: okay. hi. i mean you no harm. >> those horns are one of his number one weapons. >> one of his weapons? >> of course. the other is the head. he'll use his head as a battering ram if they decide to get aggressive. one of my favorite things about these guys is the males get to hang out with the ladies. the ladies don't like them, they're too aggressive. the boys will form a bachelor herd. they hang out. right around the rut the biggest boy gets to hang out with the girls. >> jimmy: is that right? what do the other boys do? dry hump each other? [ laughter ] >> they do whatever they have to. >> yeah. >> jimmy: did you want to try to pet him? >> oh, wait till andy finds out what we have planned. oh, nothing. he can use a kleenex. >> i got deep inside his brains. >> jimmy: there's a lot of stuff in there. is that just snot? >> he's got a big tongue. he's a grazer, eats grass. he doesn't do any meat. >> jimmy: can we ride him? >> you cannot.
>> jimmy: has anyone tried? >> people have. you'll see pictures of old rodeos, they used to ride these guys. the reason jack's so nice, no one tries to jump on his back. another fun thing about animals this big, you don't realize this. >> pet the horns. >> jimmy: guillermo! thank you very much, dave. thanks to you, jack, for coming. i know this is probably not on your list of things to do today. "pet nation renovation" september 17th on animal planet. dave salmoni, andy samberg. we'll be right back with desiigner! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by samsung.
today, guns can be bought over the internet, or at a weekend gun show. and if the
wrong people get a gun... we know what can happen. pat toomey put our safety ahead of partisan politics. toomey crossed party lines twice, first to support background checks, and now to stop gun sales to suspects on the terror watch list. no wonder pennsylvania cops endorse pat toomey as best to protect our families. independence usa pac is responsible for the content of this advertising. >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by samsung. >> jimmy: thanks to andy samberg, dave salmoni, apologies to matt damon, we ran out of time. "nightline" is next. first here with the song "timmy turner," desiigner!
♪ ♪ yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ tiimmy, tiimmy tiimmy turner he was wishin' for a burner to kill everybody walkin' ♪ ♪ he knows that his soul have her walkin' ♪ ♪ she [ bleep ] for bet wildin' for wallet kill everybody walkin he knows that his ♪ ♪ soul in the furnace tiimmy, tiimmy, tiimmy turner he was wishin' for a burner to kill everybody walkin' ♪ ♪ he knows that his soul in the her walkin' ♪ for wallet kill everybody walkin' he knows that his soul ♪ ♪ in the furnace tiimmy, tiimmy, tiimmy turner tiimmy, tiimmy, tiimmy turner young boy walkin' ♪
♪ ♪ ♪ soul in the furnace tiimmy, tiimmy tiimmy turner tiimmy ♪ ♪ tiimmy turner eh, yeah he wish had a burner young [ bleep ] move and he kill with confirma ♪ ♪ you get hit, [ bleep ] left with earner choppa move, both want it ♪ ♪ you get hit down in both ♪ tiimmy turner he was wishin' for a burner to everybody walkin' he knows that his soul ♪ ♪ in the furnace ♪ tiimmy, tiimmy, tiimmy turner ♪ tiimmy, tiimmy, tiimmy turner he was wishin' for a burner to ♪ he knows that his soul in the
furnace on bet have her walkin' ♪ ♪ soul in the furnace tiimmy, tiimmy tiimmy turner tiimmy ♪ ♪ he knows that his soul in the furnace tiimmy, tiimmy tiimmy turner ♪ ♪ he was wishin' for a burner to kill everybody walkin he knows that his soul in the furnace ♪ ♪ kill everybody walkin' he knows that his soul in the furnace tiimmy, tiimmy, tiimmy turner ♪ ♪ he was wishin' for a burner to kill everybody walkin' he knows that his soul in the furnace ♪ ♪ kill everybody walkin' he knows that his soul in the furnace tiimmy, tiimmy, tiimmy turner ♪ ♪ he was wishin' for a burner to kill everybody walkin' he knows that his soul in the furnace ♪ ♪ on bet have her walkin' she for bet wildin' for wallet ♪ ♪ kill everybody walkin' he
knows that his soul in the furnace tiimmy, tiimmy, tiimmy turner ♪ ♪ he was wishin' for a burner to kill everybody walkin' he knows that his soul in the furnace ♪ ♪ on bet have her walkin', she for bet wildin' for wallet ♪ ♪ kill everybody walkin' he knows that his soul in the furnace tiimmy, tiimmy, tiimmy turner ♪ ♪ he was wishin' for a burner to kill everybody walkin' he knows that his soul in the furnace ♪ ♪ on bet have her walkin', she for bet wildin' for wallet ♪ ♪ kill everybody walkin' he knows that his soul in the furnace tiimmy, tiimmy, tiimmy turner ♪ ♪ he was wishin' for a burner to kill everybody walkin' he knows that his soul in the furnace ♪ ♪ on bet have her walkin', she for bet wildin' for wallet ♪ ♪ kill everybody walkin' he knows that his soul in the furnace tiimmy, tiimmy, tiimmy turner ♪ ♪
this is "nightline." >> tonight, candid with the candidates. exclusive interviews with hillary clinton and donald trump. >> so he did choke? >> i don't choke. she chokes. >> the nominees spar over the controversial trip to mexico. >> they're going to pay for the wall. >> he came out saying one thing and the mexican president contradicted him almost immediately. plus memes to millionaires. playful instagram account turned media empire. how one social media team is courting big-name advertisers, transforming their brand of humor into big business. and swift split? taylor swift and tom hiddleston reportedly breaking it off. the romance only three months old. bad blood? ♪ now we got bad